police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
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I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.