Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
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[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
*checks Timeline*…
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.