You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
You Might Also Like
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…