Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
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You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Many hands make light work
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!