“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
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People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I just love that new Pope smell.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.