You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
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Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope