doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
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*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.