Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
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My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
s
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Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?