It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
fair
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place