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11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!