You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
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“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today