What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
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Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases: