I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
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I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
some Old Testament wisdom
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
spicy snake
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.