Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
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Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
need a new bf mines broken 😐
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.