He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
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ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
whatcha thinkin bout
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.