No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
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me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.