I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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.
.
.
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Squash
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
🤯🤯🤯
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.