Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
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I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
Don’t forget to tip your server
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.