Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
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Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Going into Monday like
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
wait.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.