My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
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*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows