When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
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me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back