Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Do not levitate over flowers
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Found the job I’m suited for