FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
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*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
🙄😏😂🤣