[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”