Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
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You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Born to be mild.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.