mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine