Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?