Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
That’s fair
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage