Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
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What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.