Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
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*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.