Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
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You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
barbara was highly relatable
The photographer’s assistant
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”