I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.