Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them