family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
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Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.