me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
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Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
nyc:
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
The Joker was right
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.