Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My new favorite headline
I think I’m having a stroke
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.