Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.