*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
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*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
They must have gotten it to go.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?