Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
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Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me