There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
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My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
This a good idea
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now