“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
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You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here