when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
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No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
The Onion called it…again.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.