Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
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Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Tell me you get it…🤣
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford