WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
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Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
For the orator and chef in all of us
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.