I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
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I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
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I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.