You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
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Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?