Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
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MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”