“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
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Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
This meal prepping shit easy
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
the red hot silly peppers
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”