Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
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Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.