*puts my mental health in rice
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A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.